Life After Eden: Adam and Eve’s First Week

January 4, 2016

A good friend of ours had a really interesting take on the week following the fall in Genesis 3, and after much harassment kind persuasion, he agreed to share them with us. He is the author of Homeschool Sex Machine and JV Superstar but mostly he spends his time writing think pieces on important theological matters like Butt Sin. You can find Matthew Pierce on twitter @ongreenmountain or his personal website, www.matthewepierce.com.

So here we go …

[Day 1]

Adam: hey where did your boobs go?
Eve: we have to wear clothes now
Adam: no way, says who?
Eve: um … God did. Weren’t you listening?
Adam: to what?
Eve: never mind

[Day 2]

Adam: hey remember when we were naked all the time
Eve: yeah, I —
Adam: that was so cool
Eve: so we’re gonna need some food
Adam: I miss being naked all the time
Eve: like maybe some fruit or maybe you should kill something
Adam: I really hate pants
Eve: so are you going to plant some crops or what

[Day 3]

Adam: I didn’t catch any fish
Eve: [hangry] DID YOU EVEN DO IT RIGHT?
Adam: I asked if you wanted to help and you said no
Eve: YOU DIDN’T DO IT RIGHT
Adam: hey if you’re that hungry maybe you should —
Eve: don’t say it
Adam: … just find some more —
Eve: I swear
Adam: … forbidden fruit
Eve: I’ll kill you

[Day 4]

Adam: don’t go over there; I just made some more stink rocks
Eve: don’t call it that
Adam: what do you want to call it then?
Eve: poop
Adam: that’s a dumb name
Eve: not as dumb as Eve
Adam: again with this
Eve: why did you name me Eve
Adam: …
Eve: Eve isn’t a hot name
Adam: …
Eve: Eve is a cute name
Adam: …
Eve: You think I’m cute but not hot don’t you

[Day 5]

Adam: you know I only ate the fruit so that I could be with you
Eve: sure
Adam: actually, I could still be in Eden
Eve: but there wouldn’t be any boobs, I’ve got the only pair
Adam: oh, wow, that’s true
Eve: so what did you do before I was created?
Adam: just watched the animals have sex, mostly

[Day 6]

Eve: so this whole pain in childbirth thing
Adam: yep
Eve: that sounded kind of ominous
Adam: yep
Eve: so …
Adam: [motions “get to the point” with his hands]
Eve: exactly how much pain do you think we’re talking about here?
Adam: probably not much
Eve: like maybe a minute or two
Adam: sure

[Day 7]

Adam: hey girl I heard you had a weakness for serpents
Eve: here we go
Adam: oh look here’s one now
Eve: [rolls eyes]
Adam: AND IT’S A BIG ONE
Eve: [rolls eyes, HARD]
Adam: girl, I know we’re not in Eden anymore but let’s get naked and not be afraid
Eve: you’re really pulling out all the stops, huh?
Adam: girl, God must have made you on the fourth day because you’re a heavenly body
Eve: now that’s a line that can get you known in the Biblical sense
[Cain is conceived]

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